I don't know.

I know I will be happier if I choose to be friends with him. I know it would be easier.
But some part of me, maybe the sane part, kept telling me not to.
There's something keeping me from doing so.
When he stood there in front of me today.
Part of me wanted to look at him while the other part didn't want to, or kept telling me not to.
You can't.
As if it's what I should do. Or what I want myself to WANT to do.
What is wrong with me?

I know I'm weak. But i pushed myself to the limit to do this.
I regretted everytime I looked away and ignored him. But I kept doing it.
I know I will regret, I know part of me doesn't want to.
.........
But there's also a part of me wishing all of this never happen, and wanted to forget everything.
How come I STILL look away even if I don't really want to?
Because there's something inside telling me to do so.
You NEED to look away.

How did things become like this? xD
lol.
It hurts too much to look back, maybe.
I just... It's just suddenly I didn't know what to do and where to go.
事情走到这个地步，我不知道还有什么路可以走。
我放弃了那个会让我们彼此舒服开心的路，选择了伤害我们彼此的路。
.
I choose the one that hurt both of us. I have my own reason. I did to feel secured.
Yes, I'm a selfish person.
So was you.

Been thinking for days and realize how stupid I was.
Terence was right, I was too kind.
I regretted it.
Things won't become like this if I hadn't been so weak.
I shouldn't even respond to any of your actions from the beginning.
I stressed and pushed myself to do things YOU want that I didn't want to.
I didn't even have to make myself to any of those stuff.
When you ignored me and was mad at me for not doing what you wanted me to, I have every right to protect myself and not to apologize at all.
I don't owe you anything for friggin's sake.
somehow I felt like I did.
You didn't hurt me, I hurt myself. That's a lesson that I learn.
If I did the right thing last year.
What would it be like now?
Maybe not like this.
But it's sort of late to realize this now. I got my feelings all messed up and I no longer know what to do with you, or how to face you, or how to clear all these fucking weird feelings that I'm having. If there's one thing that i regretted it would be not taking action when my brain is still clear, when I still know what to do. I thought I didn't, but actually I did.
But I don't anymore.

But regretting doesn't do anything, alright. - -


.

///////
few hours later:

I feel like continue what i did.
I'm amazed at how fast I change my mind.
I guess I broke my own record again.

I hate myself. But this felt so good, at the moment.



Just watch me and pray that I won't change my mind again before going to sleep tonight.
Or the next morning.

Fingers crossed, qian.



///
few minutes later,
Wait.
I think I'm changing my mind. A little.

Anyone who have to deal with me or listen to my crap have the rights to slap me now.
Yes you may , Terence, do it.

//
half an hour later,
thank goodness i think i decided to change my mind back to the first decision i made. *WTF*
= =

slappies slappies.